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Sardar Banta Singh went to the emergency room with the tip of  his

Index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. 

"Well I was   trying to commit suicide,"  Banta Singh replied.

The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"

"No, silly! First I put the gun on my head and I thought my face

would look horrible, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid Rs.

1,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in  my ear and

I thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put  my finger in

My other ear before I pulled the trigger.

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Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss", he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow,

and my wife needs me to help with the attie and garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We are short-handed, Smith" the boss replies, "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks boss", says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

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 An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.

"What are you doing?", the visitor asked.

The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for the loopholes".

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A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you".

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No", says the Psychic, "Next Semester in her Biology Class".

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Two men were talking at the office water cooler. One was telling the other about a fight he had with his wife. In the end, he said, "I had her begging on her knees".

"What did she say?", asked the co-worker.

"She told me to come out from under the bed".

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As I was working through a solution on the board in my one of class, my students spotted three calculations errors. At the end of the lesson, I apologized for the mistakes and asked the class to forgive my inaccuracies.

"No problem," replied one student, "I trust that you will give us the same consideration in the exam."

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His partner had his head down on the desk, "What's wrong?" the lawyer asked solicitously.

"Oh-h -h", groaned the other lawyer, "I was out late last night entertaining a guy who can throw a lot of business our way. I have got the grandmother of all hangovers".

"I know how you feel. I have had some monsters myself".

"How did you get rid of yours?"

The first lawyer grinned, "I grab my wife and make passionate love to her. In no time, my headache is gone. You ought to try it."

"I'll try anthing", said the partner, reaching for his coat, "See you later."

When he returned he was whistling a jaunty tune.

"I see my remedy worked', his colleague said.

"Like a Charm", replied the rejuvenated lawyer, "And hey, that's a lovely house you have".

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 Preparing to take a long trip, Rodrigo asks his neighbour to take his cat, which he loves like a son.

One day Rodrigo enters the hotel to find a telegram which says, "Your cat died". On the verge of a heart attack, he takes the first plane home and after burying the animal, turns to his neighbour in great annoyance.

"How Callous You are!" , Rodrigo says, "That was no way to break the news. You should have sent me a telegram saying : "Your cat climbed up on the roof." then another telling me: "Your cat fell off the roof." Later you would have advised that he was seriously hurt and then finally that he had passed away"

Some time later, Rodrigo again takes a trip and one day receives a telegram saying: "Your grandmother climbed up on the roof."

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Pete was telling a friend that he had lost his job.

"Why did the foreman sack you?", the friend asked in surprise.

"Oh," Pete said, "You know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else worth".

"We all know that", replied his friend. "But tell me why did he let you go?"

"Jealousy", answered Pete, "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

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One night Peter receives a call.

"Oh! Peter I am Doctor Brad calling. I have one bad and one worst news for you. Which one you would like to hear first"

"Tell me the bad first", says Peter.

"Well, I checked your Lab reports and found that you have leumkeocrykoma of Brain and can't live for more than 10 days."

With a sacked heart Peter moarned, "And what the worst in the earth can be than this?"

"I am trying to contact you for the last 10 days", says Dr. Calmly.

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Shortly after I had been assigned to a war zone, I said good-bye to my family. My 4 year old son, Christ held on to my leg and pleaded with me not to leave.

"No, Daddy! Please don't go", he kept repeating.

The situation was getting out of hand when my wife, desperate to calm christ said,"Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get Pizza".

Immediately Christ loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "Bye, Daddy".

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.  "Stop!  Stand  still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and  kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of  him.   The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.  Once again the  voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still!  If you take one more step  a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the  corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked.  "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked....

"And where the hell were you when I got married?"

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